Three months into our road trip, I didn’t feel like I had anything inspiring to share. In fact, I was feeling a bit unfulfilled deep inside and it bothered me. I now realize that there was something in the way that I was holding on to very tightly. Something so personal, my nerves quiver at the idea of sharing this publically. Nevertheless, I believe vulnerability is essential to a community and lacking in our society. So here’s mine...
But it was eating away at my ability to mentally move forward, discovering who I am without him. I realized that our relationship became a dependency for me. I didn’t feel safe without him. I didn’t feel like I had a stable life plan without him. I didn’t feel 100% financially secure without him. I didn’t feel healthy without him. I didn’t feel like anyone could understand me they way he did. I was so attached to what our relationship once was. I had created this new blank slate on the road that I couldn’t fully embrace because I couldn’t detach from my past and focus on the people and experiences that were presently surrounding me.
Learning to let go of attachments, I realized that I needed to initiate closure (which I’d never done in a relationship). This was my lesson, my role. One of the most important practices my mother ever lead me through was discarding my own baby bottles, teaching me to be responsible for my own progress, letting go of what was no longer serving me. With the deepest respect for the evolution of both of our individual journeys, I needed to face my fears of loss and confront him about truly moving on.
Trusting the universe and my ability to communicate with love, I made a commitment to create the boundary that I needed in order to continue my personal growth. We spent a ceremonious weekend together creating space for honesty and vulnerability. It was certainly the hardest moment of my life, being that we had been dancing around this obstacle for years. Emotions were the heaviest I had experienced and I expect they may linger a bit longer since this is very recent in my life. The energy was as raw as a freshly opened wound. Rather than walking on eggshells, we waltzed on top of them, allowing them to break beneath our sincerity. By the end of our experience together, I clarified that I needed to put closure on our interactions. Honest about his pain, yet tender to my needs, he understood and offered encouragement and love in return. Our chapter as we knew it was complete.
I’m lead to believe we left on favorable terms (considering endings are often full of grief), but I know that I cannot speak for his emotions. It hurts to think about what he may be feeling, but I have to accept that I don’t know and I cannot control another person's thoughts and reactions. I cannot dwell on what I don’t know. But I can focus on what I can control, keeping the boundaries that I make to create space for my own development.
Loving him and appreciating what we had together won’t change. As Megan mentions in her post, “...what needed to happen, happened...accept what was, forgive all mistakes because in the end it was all perfect.” I am more than grateful for everything he has been in my life. Our relationship was the most beautiful thus far. I trust that our energy is connected as our souls are intertwined beyond this lifetime. There is something there, that will always be, whether tangible or not. I will carry the lessons we learned in my heart as I move forward on my own, making commitments to myself first, ready and open for new lessons to build from. Clearing a large barrier in my mind and my heart, I feel like I can better concentrate on loving myself in ways I once seeked through a partner. I can now become a truer version of myself